Handicapped. Inadequate. Vulnerable

Handicapped. Inadequate. Vulnerable

Today l feel especially handicapped. 
l know l am handicapped.

l know my brain injury gives me an invisible handicap where l look normal but perceive everything abnormal.
And that is confusing for people. 
l am used to that.

They don’t know any better so l no longer get hurt by remarks, prejudice or rude behaviour. 
They dont know any better.

If l was blind they wouldn’t keep throwing me a ball.

But l am not. 
l look, speak, interact (at least at first glance) completely normal.
So when my handicap kick in people just think l am immensely darf, not listening, disinterested or anything else in that category.

Which l am not. 
I am very interested, very curious but l struggle understanding context.

If a sentence is too long, l tend to forget what the person speaking started by saying when he/she reaches the point and l have to ask them to repeat with a shorter sentence. 
“Could you repeat that in bullet point, please, you lost me” l usually say.

l dont mind that strangers think l must be immensely darf, not listening, disinterested or anything else in that category. 
I am fine with that. 
It’s ok.

l know l am not and l rather what them to think l am any of the above than l want to elaborate on my handicap.


Doing that makes me vulnerable in a very profound way. 
l am very private.

So private in fact that l rather want strangers to think l am stupid or weird than share that l am brain injured.

l rather want strangers to think l am drunk at noon and that’s why l am wobbly when l walk than l want so share that l am brain injured.

So obviously my personal development lies in sharing my privacy, making myself vulnerable, opening up and yesterday l was in one of those situations.

A stranger, that knows about my injury, gave me long messages that l didn’t undetsand a word of. 
I was supposed to do a task based on the information l got. 
And l had no idea what direction the instructions went!

And l kept saying “hey, l really need help here! l am brain injured and l struggle understanding what you are saying, could you kindly help me? If you repeat in a manner with shorter sentences l will understand an be able to do what you ask of me”

But the person kept throwing the ball to the blind expecting me to catch, and after 3 ball throws, and me 3 times more and more heart broken trying to explain that l didn’t understand the task, not even the direction of the task l was dismissed. 
And l was dismissed in a hanging the phone up – manner. 
In a blocking from a group – manner. 
In a slap in the face – manner.

And it left me heart broken.
l felt so inadequate. 
So handicapped.
So helpless.

l hadn’t done anything wrong.

And yes l know it lies at the other person, yes l know she was unfair and nasty, l know that.

But that is not my process, is it?

My process lies as l say in being vulnerable, being deliberately hurt by someone when l am vulnerable and NOT let that close me up in my privacy.

But allowing to feel like l do today.

Immensely handicapped. 
Immensely inadequate. 
Immensely helpless.
Unwanted. 
In the way. 
And l do. 
Today I really do.

Now, you dont have to say positive words or try to cheer me up it won’t change anything anyway.

Because the problem is that l AM handicapped, inadequate, helpless, unwanted and in the way…. 
– l am also not…

l just need to reach a place were both are equally ok…

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