Today l feel especially handicapped.
l know l am handicapped.
l know my brain injury gives me an invisible handicap where l look normal but perceive everything abnormal.
And that is confusing for people.
l am used to that.
They don’t know any better so l no longer get hurt by remarks, prejudice or rude behaviour.
They dont know any better.
If l was blind they wouldn’t keep throwing me a ball.
But l am not.
l look, speak, interact (at least at first glance) completely normal.
So when my handicap kick in people just think l am immensely darf, not listening, disinterested or anything else in that category.
Which l am not.
I am very interested, very curious but l struggle understanding context.
If a sentence is too long, l tend to forget what the person speaking started by saying when he/she reaches the point and l have to ask them to repeat with a shorter sentence.
“Could you repeat that in bullet point, please, you lost me” l usually say.
l dont mind that strangers think l must be immensely darf, not listening, disinterested or anything else in that category.
I am fine with that.
l know l am not and l rather what them to think l am any of the above than l want to elaborate on my handicap.
Doing that makes me vulnerable in a very profound way.
l am very private.
So private in fact that l rather want strangers to think l am stupid or weird than share that l am brain injured.
l rather want strangers to think l am drunk at noon and that’s why l am wobbly when l walk than l want so share that l am brain injured.
So obviously my personal development lies in sharing my privacy, making myself vulnerable, opening up and yesterday l was in one of those situations.
A stranger, that knows about my injury, gave me long messages that l didn’t undetsand a word of.
I was supposed to do a task based on the information l got.
And l had no idea what direction the instructions went!
And l kept saying “hey, l really need help here! l am brain injured and l struggle understanding what you are saying, could you kindly help me? If you repeat in a manner with shorter sentences l will understand an be able to do what you ask of me”
But the person kept throwing the ball to the blind expecting me to catch, and after 3 ball throws, and me 3 times more and more heart broken trying to explain that l didn’t understand the task, not even the direction of the task l was dismissed.
And l was dismissed in a hanging the phone up – manner.
In a blocking from a group – manner.
In a slap in the face – manner.
And it left me heart broken.
l felt so inadequate.
l hadn’t done anything wrong.
And yes l know it lies at the other person, yes l know she was unfair and nasty, l know that.
But that is not my process, is it?
My process lies as l say in being vulnerable, being deliberately hurt by someone when l am vulnerable and NOT let that close me up in my privacy.
But allowing to feel like l do today.
In the way.
And l do.
Today I really do.
Now, you dont have to say positive words or try to cheer me up it won’t change anything anyway.
Because the problem is that l AM handicapped, inadequate, helpless, unwanted and in the way….
– l am also not…
l just need to reach a place were both are equally ok…