I just want to share how l managed the profound sadness l felt the other day. Its a bit long so please bare with me
First l allowed myself to be sad.
When l felt the sadness stated to dissolve l read all your messages and they soothed me so much. Thank you all so much!
Then l meditated on the sadness to find the real cause of it.
The meditation l used was a Metta meditation, its where you repeat an intent, and l really needed that!
In a Metta meditation you first wish your intent for yourself.
Then you wish your intent on your loved ones one at a time.
Then you wish it on your “enemies” or people you have issues with (and keep doing it until you honestly wish them the intent) and then you do it towards all beings.
My Metta, the one l use, is the one you see on the picture.
So for me it went like this.
I started the intent towards myself to remind myself what focus l want for myself.
I sat down with closed eyes and said:
“May l have happiness and the cause of happiness
May l be free from suffering and the cause of suffering
May l recognise attachment and aversion
May l dwell in equanimity and kindness”
I make sure my breathing is calm and that l truly wish the intent towards myself.
If l feel any kind of “njahhhh don’t really mean this do l?”- feeling l repeat, with a calm breathing until the aversion has dissolved.
And then l did the same with every single one of you guys; Melody Hidalgo, Roni Milman, Tuna Öztürk, Merete Vestergaard Andersen, Pauline M. Wullenweber, Lincoln Birch, Per Lau Jensen, Rikke Klostergaard, Bente Schibye, Tanja Steinhauer Nielsen , Sue Joy Jensen, Warren Gray, Christina Rasmussen, Bianca Ganzhorn, Hanne, Charlotte Fabricius, Connie Kaas , Tina Cato, l imagined every single one of you sitting in front of me, me holding our hands, breathing calmly and telling you:
“May you, (insert your name) have happiness and the cause of happiness
May you, (insert your name) be free from suffering and the cause of suffering
May you, (insert your name) recognise attachment and aversion
May you, (insert your name) dwell in equanimity and kindness”
I felt your kindness and love towards me and l truly thanked you and wished the intent for you
and then it was the difficult one..
The person that hurt me!
The person whos actions started this rollercoaster for me
That one always takes a bit longer!
So l took some deep breaths and spent some time reminding myself that we are all the same.
We all want to be happy and free from suffering
We all want the best for our loved ones
And our loved ones always want the best for us
So me harbouring negative feelings towards that person would not do me or her any good.
What would l achieve with keeping negative thoughts and sadness towards what she said and the actions she had displayed towards me?
If l wished her any harm, how much suffering wouldn’t that create in her life and her loved ones lives who only want for her to be happy?
The repercussions and extent is so much bigger than my petty feelings!
And do l truly want anyone to experience any kind of harm?
Not at all!
And then l reached a point where l could easily wish her my intent
So l imagined me sitting with her infant of me, holding her hands and said:
“May you KK have happiness and the cause of happiness
May you KK be free from suffering and the cause of suffering
May you KK recognise attachment and aversion
May you KK dwell in equanimity and kindness”
l repeated it a couple of more times just to make sure l really, honestly wished her well and ended up with a feeling of empathic compassion, an understanding of what l would have had to experienced during my day to treat anyone like she had treated me that day.
And then l finished off with wishing the intent towards all beings. People l have met, people l have not met, all their families, all animals, flying, swimming, walking, hopping, crawling, the entire planet – wishing them all well.
And it left me with a clear picture of the person l want to be.
It was actually you Melody who pin-pointed it to me in what you wrote, you said:
“When I recently met you in Thailand I did not see a handicapped person. I saw a warrior, a strong, very intelligent, beautiful and vibrant being that had been through some stuff. After all you’ve been through I saw someone kind, caring and willing to go out of her way to help others.”
And you reminded me of my core values.
I have chosen an education and an occupation way before my injury that would 100% put me in a position to help and be of service of people when they are at the ultimate lowest.
When all hope is almost gone, when all doctors have shaken their heads and asked them to “get their affairs in order” that was my niche, that was where l stepped in and contributed.
Before my accident.
I can no longer practice medicine in the same manner or capacity, but my life intent and the person who chose that niche is still here.
I still help whenever l can, yes in a much smaller capacity and much more in an advisory role than in a hands-on-taking-the-reins – role.
But does that really matter?
No not really.
I am still me.
Yes l am handicapped but as l was reminded of: l am more than that.
I was reminded of who l am – beyond the handicap, with the handicap, who l was before the handicap.
And that side of me is who l am working every single day to stay true to.
Everything that is not conducive with that side of me is no longer of any use to me.
This is the person l want to live as from now on
Not that l am closing my eyes to all the things my handicap is creating for me, l just dont want to give them more focus because they pull me down!
How am l of any use to anyone, myself, humanity, anyone if l allow myself to focus on all l cant do and allow myself to be pulled down?
I am not!
So l dont!
So again.. to all you lovely people