I feel powerful!
Not with the energetic meaning of the word but literally: as in fierce!
A few months ago my brother invited me on a 3 week vegan yoga retreat to Koh Phangan in Thailand.
Every morning we did meditation and morning yoga and every morning we were asked to set the purpose with the training.
For me it was the same purpose every single morning:
“I am powerful”
Again… not in the energetic meaning of the word, but literrally: as in strong, fierce.
I have never been so physical weak as l am now.
At that point I felt that the repercussions of my injury had taken me so far away from the Self I am that l no longer recognised my body, my reflection in the mirror, my thoughts.
I didn’t recognise me anymore.
I had no longer thoughts in future tense.
I could no longer see anything ahead of me clearly.
My days went by hour by hour.
I was in immense pain due to the Addisons that needed managing all the time and that really drained me.
I forgot from one hour to the next.
I got lost.
Everywhere; in stores, in the streets, in my apartment.
It was like my brain was on “mute”.
It was like my eyes were not connected to the brain – l saw but l couldn’t interpret what l saw.
It was like I couldn’t put impressions in sequence but was constantly overloaded with smells like food, people, wet pavement so l had a peppermint smell-muter in my pocket to numb my sense of smell.
With sounds like people talking, music and cars passing by so l had earplugs in all the time to mute the impressions.
With visual images like reflections in windows, people coming towards me and shadows on the ground so l had dark blue sun glasses on to mute the impressions.
With tactile information like the wind on my face, my bag on my shoulder and my circulation in my feet so l had loose clothes and only came out in non-windy, non-rainy weather.
And at the same time my brain couldn’t follow all the input so everything came delayed and when the brain finally understood that someone had asked me a question l would turn my head, with vision in slow-motion concentrating on one input: the person in-front of me and the question asked trying to block all other input out so l would be able to connect the words into a meaningful sentence.
It was like that.
Every single hour.
Every single day.
Every single week
And had been for months and months without end.
At that point my brother thought: ENOUGH! Booked the retreat and my recovery started!
I cant say that it has been one single event that became the turning point for me.
It hasn’t been.
It has been a multitude of random events that combined created a new foundation for me.
The most significant one that had the biggest avalanche effect that started it all though was definitely when l stopped trying so hard to comprehend what was going on around me.
l know it sounds weird but see if you can follow me here.
In that melting pot of impressions and confused, delayed information my brain kept giving me l was desperately trying to make heads and tail of it all.
I was so focused and determined to recover so l could interact and be a part of the outside world again.
I was focusing on walking without falling.
I was focusing on listening to what people said to me and putting words into sentences so l could interact with others
I was focusing on reading trying hard not to forget the start of a sentence before getting to the full stop of the sentence.
I was so focused on being a part of life, being a part of the world, being part of conversations and connections and at the same time the price was so high!
Days after days in a dark room in complete quiet to recover.
And then one day while l was meditating l had this feeling of freedom.
I have had that multiple times before.
It wasn’t something new but it came with an indifference.
A feeling of freedom from attachment.
A feeling of “sod it!”
An acknowledgement on a very small level, maybe like a blip of acknowledgement that had a turning point around “I am no longer going to make an effort”.
Not in the giving up meaning of the word but in the “If l have to fight that hard to make heads or tail of things, then dont make heads or tail of anything!”
Now thinking back on it it was like Winnie the Pooh looking for Piglet.
He looked all over the forest but couldn’t find him.
And finally asked himself; “If l cant find Piglet when l am looking for him, then l wonder what will happen when l stop looking for him”
It was the same thing.
I (still) really struggle understanding what people say, l struggle walking without falling, l struggle remembering events, l struggle separating days, l struggle connecting with others…
And l am no longer doing that.
Trying to, that is.
It hasn’t been an intellectual decision.
Like everything good happening during meditation it has more been like a new page.
And that was the turning point.
If l struggle that much connecting with the outside world then l wont.
All my energy i recycled.
No effort is made to connect.
All effort is recycled.
Weird thing is; my world has gotten bigger.
Since l stopped trying to be a part of the world and the community l have expanded.
I still meditate a lot.
And with every hour of water fasting l do, l meditate even more.
Here is the point I am trying to make:
by not trying to recover I am recovering.
Not in the way l would like to recover mind you – outwardly participating in the world – because l am not.
But weirdly enough: by not participating in the world l am perceiving more participation than before.
Cant explain that one.
And l honestly cant be bothered in trying to.
Its an internal thing.
I feel how the water fasting is creating autophagy in my brain.
I feel how the inflammation in the mast cells are disappearing.
I feel how my thoughts are starting to connect and make sense.
And most importantly; l feel how my strength is coming back.
I am not working out.
I am going for walks and doing yoga.
And l am meditating.
Funny thing l want to mention is that the more l feel l am recovering, the more l am meditating and the more l am water fasting the more l am getting warnings from people regarding extensive water fasting and meditating.
Obviously because what l am doing is very inconvenient for others.
That is what they are responding to; their inconvenience.
l just want to mention that in case you are in the same situation as l am.
So… l am water fasting and meditating and by that recovering and regaining my strength and power.
And Dang it! l am powerful!